Christine Webber

Too Old to be Bold?

Those of us who were born between 1945 and 1965 have had a charmed existence compared with previous generations. But though the public perception of a baby boomer is someone who’s had it all, and who is brimming with confidence and fun, some individuals feel that they have been too timid to get the most out of life and that they haven’t been able to grasp the many advantages that have come the way of our age group.

But is it too late?

Never!

We may wish that we had done things differently in our earlier lives. After all, it’s natural to have some regrets – surely it’s only Edith Piaf who had none! But when we were younger there were often good reasons for not making big changes – like having to earn a living, and pay bills and look after children.

But that was then. And now is now. We can’t change the past – but we can change how we think about it.

So, if you were more conventional or reticent than you wish you’d been, try viewing your former – and more timid – self with compassion and understanding. Then, having done that, resolve to be bolder from now on.

Begin by developing a more positive image of yourself.

Do an inventory of all your great characteristics.

Maybe you’re loyal, and kind. Perhaps you have the most brilliant smile, and are a terrific listener.

See how many things you like about yourself, and write them down.

Once you’ve recognized your many excellent qualities, you should begin to see yourself in a better light, which will help your confidence in forging a new life.

Of course, making changes can feel scary. But Michael Neenan – author of the excellent book Life Coaching: a Cognitive-Behavioural Approach – says:  ‘Our beliefs and behaviours are not fixed in perpetuity. And if, for whatever reason, they have outlived their usefulness, we can develop new ones – so long as we’re prepared to be curious about what changes are needed, and to develop an experimental outlook.’

So, why not start experimenting by doing some routine things differently from usual? Because if you start behaving more adventurously, you’ll start thinking more adventurously too.

I suggest you set yourself a target of talking to five new people every day. You could also buy something unusual to eat from the supermarket. Consider a totally new hobby. Try on some outfits in a shop you’ve never bought clothes from before. And read a book by an unfamiliar author.

As you begin to perceive yourself as someone who builds new challenges into every day, the prospect of a bolder step – such as leaving home, or working with an organization such as VSO, or setting up a business – will seem less daunting.

Finally, let me tell you about Diana.  For years, she was trapped in a chintzy cottage in the country, being dutiful to a horrible husband, and to her irascible old mother.

At 60, she was finally free of them both – and she decided to move. On a whim, she viewed a flat in the heart of  Bristol. It was very modern – all glass and chrome – and had previously been owned by a fashion designer.

Immediately she walked inside, she knew that she could put her previously unexciting life behind her. She took a deep breath and bought it. More than that, she purchased everything inside it too. ‘I started afresh,’ she said. ‘All I took with me were a few clothes, and my books and CDs. It was terrifying, but wonderful.’

She quickly became a real city-bird and adored the fact that she could walk to the theatre and the doctor and the library. Soon after moving, she met a lovely man who was totally unlike her late husband.

She tells me that when friends visit her, they look bewildered and say:  ‘But Diana, this isn’t like you at all.’

Apparently, she looks them straight in the eye, smiles triumphantly and says: ‘Yes I know. Isn’t it marvellous.’

Diana became bolder and changed her life. You can too.

Mindfulness – and how contemplating a raisin might help you feel happier, less stressed and even lose weight

Mindfulness is a seriously hot topic these days.

But it’s been an important plank in Buddhism for centuries. In fact, learning how to maintain calm and intent awareness in every aspect of life is one of the ‘factors of enlightenment’.

In recent years, the western world has begun to realise how helpful mindfulness can be. As a result, it has been embraced by many psychologists and psychotherapists in a bid to help their clients achieve a state of mind in which they can truly live and focus in ‘the moment’.

So, what is it exactly? Well, it’s a mixture of meditation, and breathing, and focused awareness of things as they really are, as opposed to how we’d like them to be.

Often, when we are mentally distressed or physically ill, or struggling with some problem or other, we make things worse by trying our hardest to flee from the feelings that we have.

We say things like: ‘I can’t stand it.’ Or: ‘It’s not fair that I have to suffer like this.’
But mindfulness helps us to deal with these feelings, not by fleeing from them, but by being curious about them and accepting of them. And this can have a calming and therapeutic effect.

One of the most popular mindfulness exercises is to spend 10 minutes contemplating – and then eating – a raisin. I’m not sure who first dreamt this up, but it was probably an eminent American psychotherapist called Zindel Segal. Certainly he was the first person I saw demonstrating it, on a training DVD.

As someone who is pretty sceptical by nature, I thought the whole thing was quite barmy! And I almost dismissed it from my mind.

But one day, not long afterwards, I was seeing a patient who was extremely distressed and agitated. I was struggling in my attempts to help her. And then I remembered the raisin technique.

By chance, I happened to have a snack-sized packet of dried fruit in my briefcase so I offered my client a choice of raisin, picked one myself and we embarked on this adventure – which was of course new to both of us.

My hope was that our 10-minute contemplation might alter her state of mind and give her some respite from her horribly intrusive thoughts and stresses.
And it did.

Since then, I have used the technique with many other people – and on myself.

In fact, it works so well for me that I now only have to hold a raisin in my hand to become instantly chilled. And that’s a great feeling.

So, the raisin technique is very useful if you are stressed or unhappy. And you may want to try it – especially if you’re prepared to give up 10 minutes a day to do it on a regular basis.

I am now also using this technique with clients who want to lose weight and who have a difficult relationship with food.

So often in such cases, food is loved and yet hated. It is used for comfort instead of just for fuel. And it is of overriding importance in an unhealthy way.

Many people – women in particular – eat for wrong reasons. And if they are overeating, this is usually much more to do with why they are eating rather than what. Worse than that, they often eat without tasting, or savouring or enjoying, what they are putting in their mouths.

The raisin technique is really helpful here because it enables the client to slow down responses and to intently feel and smell this small item of food and to acutely experience its taste and a sense of it nourishing the body.

In fact, one woman said to me: ‘After eating that one raisin, really slowly, I feel quite full and satisfied.’

The raisin technique is not magic. But I do think it’s amazingly helpful for people with all sorts of pain and stress and suffering.

So, you might just want to give it a try.

This is what you do:

•    Take a raisin and hold it in one hand, then focus on it as if you’ve never seen one before. Look at it searchingly. Notice how many grooves there are in it. How many little raised bobbles. Whether the colour is the same throughout. Whether it’s symmetrical or misshapen. Use your eyes to see it in a very intense and exploring way

•    After a minute or so, alter your focus to the feel of it. You might want to close your eyes. Does it feel smooth? Soft? Sticky? Rough where the grooves are? Roll it between your middle finger and your thumb. Concentrate on what you are feeling as you touch and hold it.

•    Now lift the raisin to your nose. Can you get any scent from it? Breathe in slowly and notice any aroma.

•    Next gently place your raisin in your mouth. Just let it lie on your tongue for a while. Then move it around inside your mouth. Gently play with it. Ponder on the vague taste of it.

•    Eventually, press your teeth onto it without biting through it. What do you notice? A change of smell? A building sense of sweetness? Focus on the experience and how intense the flavour is. Then, gently bite right through it – and become aware of how the taste increases and lingers on your tongue. Suck gently, noticing how fruity your saliva is as the raisin looses its shape and form. When you are ready, swallow it.

•    Sit awhile, noticing the feeling as the raisin begins its journey down to your stomach. Become aware of the taste and smell that remains in your mouth and the slight stickiness on your fingers.

•    Breathe in and out slowly. And just be.

The raisin technique is a good way to get into mindfulness. But of course you can do all sorts of things in a mindful way. Recently, I heard of a group who knit ‘mindfully’! You can certainly sit in your garden mindfully. Be at your desk at work mindfully. Eat your lunch mindfully. Relax on a busy commuter train mindfully … There are no limits.

Let me know how you get on.

Value Yourself – and Make Life Easier

I see a lot of people who are distressed about their relationships. And I also see individuals who have problems at work.

Now, the thing is that we can’t guarantee to change other people to make our lives simpler or pleasanter. But we can change ourselves. And often that makes all the difference in difficult situations.

You see, a lot of problems are made worse because we don’t value ourselves enough. And when we don’t, we tend to hang on in damaging or redundant relationships because we lack the confidence to be single.

A lack of appropriate self-regard also makes life harder in the workplace. I’ve known clients who won’t seek promotion because of lack of confidence, or who become the office doormat because they never have the courage to say ‘no’.

If any of the above sounds like you, here’s a little technique I do with my patients that should help.

First of all, write a list of 50 things about yourself that you really like. If you don’t value yourself very highly, this might take ages! But stick at it.

When you have done it, rewrite the list on a series of cards. These should be of a size that you can carry around in your handbag. Put five topics on each card. For example:

• I’m a good friend
• I am a kind person
• I’m a great cook
• I have nice ankles
• I am reliable

Write 5 more good points on every card, till you’ve got a whole set of 10 cards, which you should carry with you at all times.

Twice a day – every day – shuffle your cards,and then read all the good things that you identified about yourself. And if you’re doing something particularly difficult – like going for a job interview,or a first date – read the cards an extra time, just before you embark on this particular challenge. Gradually, by reading and re-reading 50 great things about you, you will become more confident and will develop more positive regard for yourself. When that happens, your life will become smoother and less problematic.