Christine Webber

Too Old to be Bold?

Those of us who were born between 1945 and 1965 have had a charmed existence compared with previous generations. But though the public perception of a baby boomer is someone who’s had it all, and who is brimming with confidence and fun, some individuals feel that they have been too timid to get the most out of life and that they haven’t been able to grasp the many advantages that have come the way of our age group.

But is it too late?

Never!

We may wish that we had done things differently in our earlier lives. After all, it’s natural to have some regrets – surely it’s only Edith Piaf who had none! But when we were younger there were often good reasons for not making big changes – like having to earn a living, and pay bills and look after children.

But that was then. And now is now. We can’t change the past – but we can change how we think about it.

So, if you were more conventional or reticent than you wish you’d been, try viewing your former – and more timid – self with compassion and understanding. Then, having done that, resolve to be bolder from now on.

Begin by developing a more positive image of yourself.

Do an inventory of all your great characteristics.

Maybe you’re loyal, and kind. Perhaps you have the most brilliant smile, and are a terrific listener.

See how many things you like about yourself, and write them down.

Once you’ve recognized your many excellent qualities, you should begin to see yourself in a better light, which will help your confidence in forging a new life.

Of course, making changes can feel scary. But Michael Neenan – author of the excellent book Life Coaching: a Cognitive-Behavioural Approach – says:  ‘Our beliefs and behaviours are not fixed in perpetuity. And if, for whatever reason, they have outlived their usefulness, we can develop new ones – so long as we’re prepared to be curious about what changes are needed, and to develop an experimental outlook.’

So, why not start experimenting by doing some routine things differently from usual? Because if you start behaving more adventurously, you’ll start thinking more adventurously too.

I suggest you set yourself a target of talking to five new people every day. You could also buy something unusual to eat from the supermarket. Consider a totally new hobby. Try on some outfits in a shop you’ve never bought clothes from before. And read a book by an unfamiliar author.

As you begin to perceive yourself as someone who builds new challenges into every day, the prospect of a bolder step – such as leaving home, or working with an organization such as VSO, or setting up a business – will seem less daunting.

Finally, let me tell you about Diana.  For years, she was trapped in a chintzy cottage in the country, being dutiful to a horrible husband, and to her irascible old mother.

At 60, she was finally free of them both – and she decided to move. On a whim, she viewed a flat in the heart of  Bristol. It was very modern – all glass and chrome – and had previously been owned by a fashion designer.

Immediately she walked inside, she knew that she could put her previously unexciting life behind her. She took a deep breath and bought it. More than that, she purchased everything inside it too. ‘I started afresh,’ she said. ‘All I took with me were a few clothes, and my books and CDs. It was terrifying, but wonderful.’

She quickly became a real city-bird and adored the fact that she could walk to the theatre and the doctor and the library. Soon after moving, she met a lovely man who was totally unlike her late husband.

She tells me that when friends visit her, they look bewildered and say:  ‘But Diana, this isn’t like you at all.’

Apparently, she looks them straight in the eye, smiles triumphantly and says: ‘Yes I know. Isn’t it marvellous.’

Diana became bolder and changed her life. You can too.

When I was writing my book, Too Young to Get Old, I spent ages researching the most effective ways of keeping fit, vibrant and viable. And I’m continuing to keep an eye out for any advice and information that will help us keep young in body, mind and spirit.

So keep a check on this page, because it will alter as I discover new information.

But for starters, here are some of the things I’ve learned that I think we should all take on board.

1. Keep as active as possible. This not only benefits our physical health, but it also sharpens up the brain. In fact research shows that exercise can increase the volume of certain parts of the brain – thus keeping it healthier. Frankly, this fact alone motivates me to be as active as I possibly can be.
2. Keep up your tally of friends. There are huge health benefits to having a strong social network. Did you know that a recent study reported that loneliness is as bad for us as smoking?
3. Keep your brain stimulated by doing routine things in unusual ways – such as ironing with the ‘wrong’ hand. Better still, learn a musical instrument or a new language. Nothing ages you more than a brain that is slowing down.
4. Don’t retire – at least not in the conventional way that our parents did. You might want to stop working at what you’ve been doing for the past 30 years, but replace it with a structured life that has plenty of stimulus in it. If you don’t need to earn a living, think about volunteering on a regular basis. Looking around at people in our generation who have ‘retired’ – they often quite suddenly seem to get doddery and slower and more frail. Do you want that? No, me neither. Work keeps you young!

To get a copy of Too Young to Get Old via the Amazon website, click here.

‘This is a great, exhuberant romp of a book, ful of wit and wisdom, delivered with a light-hearted touch … It’s like having a warm, wise and sympathetic best friend.’ Patsy Westcott, health writer  ‘I would defy any woman of 50-65 not to find dozens of useful snippets within the pages.’ Julia Glass

Relationship Restlessness

Time was when women were lucky to live till their 50s and 60s. And if they did, and they had a viable man, they stuck to him like glue.

How times have changed.

Nowadays, we expect to live to mid-life – and when we do, we find that it’s challenging, exciting, but sometimes confusing too.

Children leave home. Parents get ill and die. We worry whether or not we’ve got enough money to see us through our old age. Partners start to retire. And many of us make plans to do all the things we’ve wanted to try but never had time for before.

So, it’s an interesting, stimulating and transitional period, but it can evoke a sense of restlessness. And that is certainly true when it comes to relationships. Increasingly, many mid-life individuals – women in particular – are looking at a long-term spouse and thinking: Is this actually what I really, really want?

I think that one of the reasons for this is that loads of baby boomer women lived on the fringes of the sexual revolution of the 60s and the free-love era of the 70s, but didn’t personally join in. And now, they’d like a piece of the action before it’s too late.

Maybe they’ve seen their daughters having great sex with a variety of men before settling down. Perhaps they’ve got girlfriends who’ve left redundant relationships and taken up with toy boys. Or maybe they suddenly feel more confident sexually but are hitched to a guy who is losing his potency, or is just plain boring between the sheets.

It’s not just sex, though.

When I wrote my book, Too Young to Get Old, I discovered that women often have far more plans for their futures than their men do. They want to start businesses, move house, go travelling, do a degree, write a book – and that’s just for starters. But many of them complain that their partners are hell-bent on having a more conventional retirement where they watch Sky Sports, play golf and generally potter around.

As one former client, who dumped her husband some 10 years ago, said: ‘I’ve no regrets about having got out of a dull marriage: particularly when I look at the lives of my girlfriends who are still in one. Their guys all seem to be giving up – and getting ill, or needing surgery – while the women are fizzing with enthusiasm and still energetic and ambitious to do all sorts of things.’

But not everyone who emerges from a long term relationship finds life as a singleton is all it’s cracked up to be. Life after divorce can be lonely. And most women are financially worse off after divorce, and plenty of them do not find Mr Right.

The same cannot be said of their discarded man. A mid-life man may be balding and have a paunch, but if he has a pulse, another female will snap him up. Sometimes a woman who’s left her ‘boring’ partner is totally amazed – and not a little miffed – to find that her reject has been transformed into someone else’s love-god.

So, if you’re considering getting out of your relationship, this is definitely something to ponder.

The other thing is that no matter now civilised you are, a total break from a long-term partner – particularly if he’s the father of your children – means that life will never be the same again. Christmases, birthdays and holidays could become battlegrounds. And your split may have a huge and unsettling impact on your grown-up children and grandchildren.

In other words, if you’re thinking of leaving a long-term relationship, this is one of the hugest decisions you are ever going to make. So, is there anything you can do to ensure you get it right?

I would certainly say that if a woman is in a violent marriage, she should end it. But most relationship difficulties are less clear cut.

One way forward is to ask your friends who have left their partners what they’ve experienced and whether they have regrets.

Another strategy is to try to establish whether there is any life left in your relationship.

Often couples at a crossroads go on the holiday of a lifetime – or at least on a hot date to some extremely fashionable and expensive restaurant – in a bid to ‘re-connect’.

Sometimes this kind of gesture breathes fresh romance into an old coupling. Sometimes it just highlights the sorry fact that this particular man and woman have nothing left to say to each other.

I would say that you might want to save your money, and – if you’re having serious doubts about your future with your partner – try having a prolonged conversation with him, in your own home.

You never know, he may be feeling anxious about the future too. He may have ambitions that you know nothing of. He may worry that he’s ageing too quickly and that he’s missing out on good sex.

Sometimes people are able to renegotiate how they want to live – with, for example, some new freedoms built in – and stay together.

But if you’re someone who is ambitious and active, and you’re living with someone who is not, then having a serious conversation about it all may finally persuade you that it really is time to go.

If you remain undecided, ask yourself if it’s possible that your restlessness is more about dissatisfaction with yourself rather than with your partner. Sometimes if you can grasp the nettle and sort yourself out, it turns out that your romantic partner is fine.

Other good questions to ask yourself – which more specifically apply to him – are:

Does my partner make me laugh?
Do we still have lots in common?
Do I love him?
Does he love me?
Do I enjoy having sex with him?
Does he make me feel better about myself?
Does he praise and encourage me?
Is he kind to me?

If you answer ‘no’ far more than ‘yes’ you may decide that your relationship has passed its sell-by date. And if that is the case, then it’s probably a good idea to extricate yourself from it while you’re both still healthy. After all, unless you’re made of stone, you may not feel you can leave after your partner has a heart attack or stroke.

It’s tough to get out of a relationship at any time. And a single life at age 50-plus is not for everyone. But you may decide that it’s right for you.